Little Birdie Productions and Lavish Design proudly introduce the 4th instalment of CARNAGE UNLEASHED, The Reign of Terror.
All characters appearing in this work are non-fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is entirely intentional.
None of the materials are protected by the Copyright Act (including all original Oompa Loompa songs).
All of the material may be copied, reproduced, forwarded, face booked, twittered, cc'd and laughed at.
We met him on the strip on the last day. He was in a battery-powered wheel chair and stranded.
Our hero’s led by Scouser David Fearns and particularly badly behaved john Laverty did not hesitate. A severely disabled man needed their help and when you say severely disabled, you think David Fearns. With childlike innocence David enquired about the gentleman’s injuries while pushing him swiftly through the crowds and into the hotel.
“Well David” the man obliged “It was a speedboat accident, the motor blade amputated both my legs from the knee down and to make matters worse I can’t feel a damn thing under the belt. I am as limp as a chloroformed Vegas prostitute. To make matter worst I have severe neurological damage in my upper extremities which means I eat through a straw. Do you see that bag on the side? That’s right it’s full of shit. I shit in that bag.
“I know how you feel” David says with great intensity “you see this?” (He raises his left pinky) “I was cutting up some fruit for a fruit salad and I jabbed myself right there” (points to tiny barely visible scar) that scar will be with me for the rest of my life!
The obscene in 2013 has now changed to “keeping it clean in 2014” and we have a shirt to prove it. The boys are off. Full of good intentions. It’s Jan 16, 2014 and the first batch of departures is under way. The following day a further 6 deprived individuals will make the same trip, but wait a minute, who is this guy with the trendy glasses and a neatly packed overnight bag, about to board WestJet flight 1333?
While half the team is boozing it up in the hospitality room in Vegas, Vince has joined our heroes at the check in gate. He has a weekend pass. Vince turns into a pumpkin when he is in Vegas. And by pumpkin I mean drunk, belligerent and with a severe gambling problem. Vince wears glasses. This will become funny later. In Saskatoon Vince is your regular Clark Kent. He owns a respectable business; he wears a suit or a nice golf shirt and makes sensible decisions for a better tomorrow. In Vegas, Vince is Superman. He goes faster and harder than Darin McKay at an all you can eat crab legs buffet. He drinks more than Jeff Humm at a “Celebration of fitness” get together and he crashes harder than Jeff Humm at a “Celebration of fitness” get together.
Not everybody goes hard. Matt Mc Elligot was already having trouble keeping up with the shenanigans on the plane to Vegas. “Son off”, barfed up a storm after having a ginger ale and small bag of WestJet pretzels. Later on Matt will make a name for himself by sleep masturbating and frolicking with homosexuals.
For the early birds there is a special treat: An awake Jeff Humm. Jeff is also feeling invincible and wants to pace himself this time around. Keep reading to find out if he actually succeeds. I will give you a clue: No.
John Laverty is aware of the perils that face him during an extended stay in Vegas. Last year Johnnies Vegas trip outlasted Johnnie. Lav and coke sniffing Tim Mangan arrived early on Wednesday with one goal: Not to blow through a week’s worth of money. This year Lav keeps a diary to learn from his mistakes.
Darin McKay is once again the major drive behind the Vegas trip. He will be staying in the hospitality room. Every year Darin turns into a one man wrecking ball, dropping beers on escalators, missing team meetings and being a general disturbance of the peace. Keep reading to find out whether Darin is able to leave his shameful past behind him. You know what? Fuck it. The answer is NO NO NO a thousand times NOOO.
I woke up this morning, my mouth a little dry like the rum from the previous night, somehow mixed with sperm and pretzels and formed a gooey cement paralyzing my tongue.
Surprised by this oh so familiar feeling I recall the previous year where I had trespassed upon the nicely appointed hotel room of Tim Mangan and in my enthusiasm diving onto the adjacent bed and landing elbow first into a freshly deposited blob of ejaculate of the fore mentioned.
We managed to keep it quiet, Tim and me. After all what do you say? “Oh jeez Tim I am sorry I seem to have landed in your cum puddle.”
I still remember a moment of silence when it happened; an unspoken understanding that if this ever became public knowledge, we would never hear the end of it. In the back ground a cricket chirped and we spent about 30 seconds nodding our heads with quiet shame. Tim in his underwear, me frozen and unable to move with the luke warm sperm quickly cooling into an impenetrable paste on the end of my elbow.
Anyway all of that ugliness was now behind us and I am left wondering why my mouth is yet again so dry and gamey; and then I remember. I had paid a visit to the Hospitality room managed by generous host Darin McKay and had drank copious amounts of rum. You see every year Darin stocks the hospitality room with about $1200 worth of hard liquor at a total price of $500. Don’t ask me how he does it but it involves claiming he is a Las Vegas resident and several dollar bills deposited neatly between the cleavage of the liquor store clerk, followed by a high 5 and a loud yeeeeeaaaahh!
Well one thing leads to another and next thing I know Keegan and I are doing impressions of Robert de Niro and Christopher Walken while Jeff Humm quietly slips into a coma from which he doesn’t awaken until 4 days later, thanks to Shawn, “lets revoke his medical license before someone dies”, Classen.
This year was definitely the year of catchy songs. After the brilliant Spider-Man song from 2 year ago (written and performed by John Laverty), it was Spencer Richards turn to kick off an assortment of songs that will make your spine tingle and your hips wiggle. That’s right not only are the lyrics brilliant, the music and general feel of each hit is mesmerizing. A double CD set with ass clenching ballads, upbeat end of summer sing alongs and everything in between!
Who can forget that wonderfully inspirational rock ballad in true “paradise by the dashboard light” style: “TAKE YOUR TITS OUT FOR THE LADS” and guess what? Who could say no to such a romantic request? Soon tits were flopping over the balconies of the QUAD like bungee jumpers at an over 35 mammogram convention. Yes, Mr. Richards certainly is convincing through song.
But wait there is more! All the way from Ireland I give you Garrett Emerson with a very deep and lyrical song about love and beer. Due to copyright restrictions we are only able to share one verse with you, which goes like this:
Absolutely brilliant you will agree. We certainly wish we could hear more. But no double CD set is complete without that old Roy Orbison classic Penny Arcade. On the original recording you can hear a fat baby with a massive head asking innocently if someone has heard of Roy Orbison and then a loud tapping. Suggests that he has proceeded to sing it loudly while hammering Bart’s ass with his iPhone, keeping perfect beat.
If you play the song backwards you can hear that same retarded baby barfing in an old garbage bin which is commonly understood to be the end of the performance:
“Step up and play” indeed; we have not seen a worst performance on the field since Nick Jordan uttered the famous words ‘I am in net’.
Nahnah nah nah nahnah naaaah with a bluesy finish. That’s right I am talking about David Fearns brilliant blues hit NAHNAHNAH. My favourite verse in this one is:
You had to be there cause Dave ends up putting a massive traffic cone on his head and running into traffic Followed by taking the cone of his head and pretending it is a massive dick with which he is trying to fuck taxi cabs which are wiz zing by at 80 miles an hour. We all thought this was very amusing but then again on hindsight Tim Mangan snorting cocaine of a stranger’s dick last year also became less and less funny as time went by.
If you show up at the hard rock on Sunday night you can still see the last porn stars slithering to the back door. We made that mistake last year. It’s not that these ladies don’t have an AVN-award, it’s that they won it 1973.
This year we arrived right on time. A wide array of plumage and fake tits filled the red carpet. For most, you see one fake tit, you have seen them all. For David Fearns you see one fake tit, you weasel yourself into the after party. David was not aware that a free ticket came with a commitment to screw the wife of the winner of the AVN-award for “best triple anal in Gaylord meets the 7 dwarfs”. And I can tell you, she was as wet as a Malaysian airways jet, but so ugly it looked like she had been running 60 yard sprints in a 50 yard gym.
With Fearns and McKay in attendance, sexual deviance really took on a whole new meaning. This time it was not just a casual lick of an eardrum, but full blown muff diving with goggles and a snorkel. That’s right when you say splashy orgasm you picture David Fearns on his knees underneath a table going to town on a hairy bush. If you are still having trouble imagining this, let me help you: A Rottweiler eating yogurt.
As most of us had already left, Darin McKay and Fearns concocted a bull shit story that they were “partying” with a porn stars. Every year we get a highly exaggerated account of events. These stories always have one thing in common: Darin McKay penniless on a curb at 6 am in the morning, hailing a taxi and John Murphy paying for it.
Next year we may want to give the AVN’s a miss…..aaah who are we kidding! Best steak in town!
Gareth loves Mark and Mark loves Gareth. For 4 days they were inseparable. A bloated insensitive father with a knack for the understatement and a fat retarded baby shaped like the letter 8, yelling obscenities on the Las Vegas strip. What a concept for a sitcom!!
On the flight over we were already getting a glimpse of what was to come. An intense shit smell filled the cabin and we knew Thompson was once again rotting from the inside. Gareth pulled out his wallet (not for the last time) and offered Mark a $20 bill to stop farting. The gesture was graciously accepted, but less than 10 minutes later that same $20 bill was apologetically returned as another cloud of poisonous gas penetrated the nostrils of innocent travellers. We know now with the benefit of hindsight that this smell actually stayed with people for a week because on the trip back Spencer Richards casually started a conversation with his neighbour and was told the trip was alright, but the actually low point was this chubby wee man shaped like a snowman farting up a storm and ruining everyone’s trip.
These two bum chums love beer, but for those of you who don’t know this pair from hell, it doesn’t really change their personalities. Sober they are 2 ass holes ON the strip and drunk they are 2 ass holes OFF the strip. And by OFF I mean they find the first door in the casino that leads to the back alley. The back alley is where the stuff happens that stays in Vegas.
But all seriousness aside, these 2 decide that it might be fun to go on a 36 hour pub crawl. An excellent way to check out all the hotels on the strip, have a few refreshments and do some light gambling. By all the the hotels, I mean ALL the hotels and by a few refreshments I mean Bruce Eames was on a conference call with Budweiser to
divert a shipment from China to Las Vegas and by light gambling I mean Mrs. Thompson will be pulling tricks well into 2018 to pay off Mark’s debts.
A sobering text from Mark upon his return to Saskatoon: “May not have won as much money as I thought….forgot the 6 visits to the ATM and just opened my Visa statement”
Both Gentlemen get full marks for participation and 2 enthusiastic thumbs up for staying the course.
Oompa loompa oompity CRASH!
Fuck me! oomph I’m out of CASH!
Whose idea was it to go to Dicks? Dicks is an establishment where apparently they have a knack for the insult. According to Spencer, you arrive at Dicks and you request a level of abuse after which they bombard you with insults until you are close to tears. Then they serve you a great meal and you go home happy but you’re feeling are hurt for days.
The evening got off to a great start when our larger than life Englishman from Buuurminghaam lead us in a little sing-along in front of “Dicks”: “WE ARE ARSENAL, WE ARE AR-SE-NAL, followed by a quiet “we have a reservation”.
Upon being seated they start you off with a light insult. For example Bart was called “old man”. Ha ha ha we laughed for hours at that! Cause it really crossed the line….everybody thought: “that Bart really is old” but nobody had to guts to say it! And then the waitress said it!! You had to be there….it really was a Tim Hortons moment minus the coffee, minus the hockey and minus the emotional Chinese man watching his grandson make a twat of himself. Instead we had a large fish bowl full of green goo with 1 shot of vodka and a Corona upside down in it. It was called Chernobyl in a glass and it cost $26. A steal of a deal especially when you consider that Murph did not eat for 2 days after that, so technically Murph MADE money on that drink.
After Mark “sugar tits” Thompson ordered his meal (We sure had a giggle about that one… and Mark was soooo embarrassed to be called “Sugar tits” in front of his best friends) It was time for a white paper hat with an insult on it. Within 30 minutes the entire table was transformed into the annual strategy meeting of the Klu Klux Klan.
To say the texts were epic, would be an utter lie although the following probably would have been appropriate.
This is a romantic comedy about a lonely woman who pretends to be the fiancée of a guy in a coma and then falls in love with his brother who falls in love with her bla bla bla…….guy wakes up all confused……there is a quirky aunt for some comic relief and an understanding uncle who has it all figured out but struggles with the ethics of it all. In the end she gets taken to Venice on a honeymoon (a place she always wanted to visit but couldn’t afford to cause she works at a subway station).
My wife is crying because it’s so romantic…and I am left wondering what the hell it must be like to get casted for a role where you get to be in a coma for the whole movie while everybody else gets to fuck around and have fun?? So I asked Jeff Humm….
Jeff is responsible for Arsenal Masters; a kind of resting ground for retired circus elephants. Jeff has a vision for the club. And by vision I mean a celestial dictatorship were all Arsenal members are equal but some are more equal than other; and by “some” I mean Jeff. Jeff’s leadership can best be described as an Orwellian nightmare interrupted by copious beer drinking, escalator joy-riding, gay fruity drinks and complaining that he misses his wife.
But back to the movie. So Jeff plays the guy in a coma cause that’s what he does best in Vegas. The guy in the movie is also a total twat, I forgot to mention that, so I think we can all agree that this a dream casting. If there was an Oscar for Casting in a shitty romantic comedy I would win for casting Jeff as a twat in a coma. The Doctor who cares for him is Shawn Classen who always brings experimental non approved Drugs to Vegas to be taken by the mentally incompetent. The aunt is without a shadow of doubt Sean McElligott….we are laughing at
her not with her. I will take on the role of the caring ethical uncle except for the fact that I don’t care and I am as ethical as an Insurance Salesman at an Alzheimer Ward. The brother can be played by John Laverty, he is so charming and she loves his impression of Christopher Walken WOW!
And the girl, dense but clumsily attractive will be played by Johnnie Roma minus the belly, the bad attitude, the first name Johnnie and the last name Roma.
The point of it all is that Jeff missed all the fun, almost died and last but not least nobody got to go to the Hoover Dam! Thanks a lot Humm! An Architectural marvel on our door steps and we didn’t go. And you expect people to show up next year?? I don’t think so…..no hoover dam, no fucking trip at all.
Thanks for nothing!
Vince has gone home, minus $4000, his glasses and his dignity. $1500 of the 4000 was spent during 2 hours of depravity at the Spearmint Rhino. We didn’t ask what on earth he spent it on. Not because we weren’t interested in that but we were more consumed with the fact that Vince came back with a new set of rather expensive glasses. Either The Spearmint Rhino is adjacent to a respectable Optometry Practice or (and I am going out on a limb here) next time tony pulls a string or two it will dislodge a somewhat soggy pair of spectacles.
Going home is a good idea for most of us. The night before Darin and Murph spent the entire night and most of the morning playing tunes on Darin’s Bose system and high fiving the security guards, John Laverty went to bed, changed his mind, went to bed and changed his mind again. David Fearns put everything on black and never went back (they were twins, but it could have been just one). Most of the rum had either been drunk or had been given away to homeless persons through the rolled down window of a cab.
Everyone was in an alcohol induced and sleep deprived state of insanity, Gareth and Mark had started a small pub crawl and Jason is doing a brilliant impersonation of Marty Feldman including the eyes pointing in all direction. A sensible course of action would have been to quickly diagnose a serious stroke and shuttle him by ambulance to the nearest ICU, instead Dr. Laverty said “watch this”, put his two fingers together and gave Jason two flicks to the side of the head…problem solved.
What’s that???? Am I hearing the sound of “let’s all go to the 9 Fine Irishmen for numerous pints of lager” marching into this conversation with ill-deserved confidence??
Yes indeed! We have ourselves a plan. And what Luck! Mark and Gareth happen to be on their way to #19 on the pub crawl route The New York New York. Slowly and incoherently our heroes are diverging upon the axis of evil, a “concerto” of chaos.
The beers are soon flowing and unlike last year when the boys were hitting a crescendo following a relatively low key build up, this year many of us are in a state of…..well near death. I am not quite certain that most of us where present, but this is not important as the main characters had in fact arrived….
For many years we have admired the beautiful and gracious Irish dancing of a young girl accompanying the delightful Irish music at the 9 Fine. This year Darin McKay (more shit faced than ever) was particularly taken in by her beauty and grace. He had been eying her up like a priest at a day care. Instigator Mark Thompson saw the opportunity to suggest to Darin that Irish dancing really is not as hard as it looks. Now at this stage it is important to note that Thompson was financially and morally bankrupt, and had very little to lose. Gareth and Mark had been systematically ass raped by VLT icon Spartacus and his beautiful girlfriend and they were in a belligerent mood following the consumption of 4 gallons of bud light during their much publicized pub crawl (by the way a now annual event for all Vegas participants)
Anyway back to our hero. Tap dancing takes place on an elevated round stage to the side of the main stage and contrary to popular belief; it is hard and requires balance, fitness and grace. And by co-incidence if you Google Darin McKay, those 3 words are curiously absent from his bio. The most accurate description of Darin would be, and how beautifully appropriately this is, to simply read the back of his shirt: “Drunken lazy bastard”
Blinded by his dreams to one day be a famous tap dancer Darin takes the plunge, while Thompson looks on in delight, anticipating the first jack pot of the night. He takes a little clumsy run up, stumbles, jumps and is now hanging on the railing of the tap dance stage with his feet half on it and his fat ass barely off the main stage. If you want to picture what this looks like, imagine a freshly killed wild hog hanging in a butcher shop. As security wanders over Darin, desperately trying to look like he has things under control, tries to re-establish his grip and gracefully swing onto the circular stage, but instead loses his grip and balance and crashes to the ground, stupidly flapping his arm as if to fly his way out of trouble.
This in itself was extremely humorous, also due to the incredibly awkward fall which closely resembled the landing of a retarded prairie chicken. But what really made it noteworthy was the fact that Darin’s fall was broken by a violin case leaning against the wall. Content? A violin previously played during the first set of the evening. Condition? Previously excellent, now in 2 pieces.
Well the fiddle player was very pleased and wished Darin a very pleasant evening while security escorted Mr. Vegas out the door. Thompson immediately sprang into action and marched over to the security guards. Who before Mark could say anything said: “look we have no choice, we had to kick him out”. Upon which Mark say: “I just wanted to say THANK YOU”
Now most people would be so embarrassed that they wrecked a priceless Stradivari with their fat ass that they would want to go straight home, but Darin was found 3 VLT’s away from the exit looking as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo. By now the best thing is for harm to stay out of Darin’s way and Keegan and Bart quickly hail a taxi to get this enigma back to his luxurious accommodations on the top floor of the quad.
The pub crawl is also in disarray as fat and fatter split up. Thompson is still insulting people at the New York and Garrett is interested in going to the Planet Hollywood and shares a taxi with Bart, Keegan and a by now drunken pulp of a Darin McKay. This unscheduled stop would create significant logistical problem as opening the passenger door would release evil Darin in to the wild once more.
Something that would be as productive as a cat flap in an elephant house. Anyway Gareth jumps out and goes to the rock bar next to Margaritaville to ride the mechanical bull and get punched in the face and Darin is shuttled back to the Quad.
The evening has been a disaster and for everybody’s safety it is time for a couple of hours of shut-eye, but first we allow Darin to open his own hotel room. There is video footage of this. May I add that we did not
start filming it until 2 or 3 minutes in. For those of you who will never have the chance to see it let me describe it. Initially after 4 or 5 tries Darin actually manages to get his room card in the slot but forgets to push down the door handle.Soon however he is trying a new technique: putting the room key in sideways while enthusiastically yet clumsily pushing down the door handle. By now every effort is accompanied by a frustrated groan on Darin’s part and hysterical laughter on Keegan’s part. For those of you lucky enough to ever see this brilliant footage the murmured line that really makes this a 10 million hit YouTube video is “It’s electric”, as to remind himself of the inner working of a hotel key
Indeed the trip has been electric and on effort # 30 Darin celebrates his entry into his hotel room with a loud Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh. Within seconds Darin is in a self-induced coma for the sake of everybody’s safety.
A lot has happened these past days and I wouldn’t change a thing……well maybe these few things. I have regrets. I won’t lie to you. The fact of the matter is that we only have a short while, so I wasn’t able to indulge in every little pleasure Vegas has to offer.
- The slow stroll through the Quad (with Brian and Bruce). This experience comes with a complimentary Bud Lite.
- The Classic Car Show with Shawn Classen (next year it promises to be even better as Shawn is planning to actually go in)
- The Brian Eames Experience: Brian points out the decadence of Vegas and buys you a 7-up
- Curling with David: David Welsh follows his dick to the Curling rink and actually gets within 50 yards of a famous curler. This trip comes with a rope and a ladder.
- The Hoover dam: This crowd favourite comes with beverages and a visit to a resting area.
- The mother-daughter experience: This is for advanced Vegas participants only. See Bart for details….WOW!
- Poker with Sean: This event is only for Sean. It comes with smoke and mirrors.
- Mexican kiss- Matt was up for this until we told him this was a band.
- The Quad experience: This one is cancelled permanently due to the fact our liability insurance no longer covers it.